PRETORIA - The South African Government announced on Thursday that former President Nelson Mandela will be renamed ‘Nelson Mandela of the ANC’ with immediate effect. A spokesperson for President Jacob Zuma says the move comes in light of recent confusion over who owns Mandela’s legacy, claiming it was more fitting that “(T)he name of the African National Congress is forever connected to Nelson Mandela and that Nelson Mandela is forever connected to the African National Congress.”
“Madiba of the ANC is old, 90-something,” said the spokesman, adding the party’s name to the anti-Apartheid hero’s affectionate nickname as well. “We feel at this age he is ripe for exploitation with people trying to make money using his name and people trying to claim he supports this thing or that and what what. This is why, we believe, he would support this initiative by our government,” he said.
The renaming will cost approximately R200 million ($22 million) and will begin with the official name change ceremony of all roads bearing the name of the global icon.
“One of these days when he is up and about and feeling good, we’ll take him to have a look at these amazing changes we are making for him, preserving his legacy and fighting poverty, injustice and inequality just the way he wanted. I am sure Madiba of the ANC will be proud,” he concluded.
NEW YORK CITY - Newly formed group “The REAL U.S. Puppets”, headed by household names Elmo and Kermit the Frog have signed a petition criticizing the actions of other U.S. Puppets. In a statement headlining the 100 signature petition, the Puppets denounced the “Human Rights violations, crushing of free speech, lack of democracy and just general bad-ass’ness of these Puppets in The Middle East and Africa and elsewhere. They do not in anyway represent the vast majority of us. We are peaceful Puppets and we aim to entertain. We condemn their actions unreservedly and hope once for all to affirm that we are the original and REAL Puppets of the United States of America. We are fluffy, not oily, like those guys.”
Code of rules agreed upon by equal nation states to…LOL what?
AMMAN - A spokesman for Jordanian King Abdullah II has clarified recent media reports in which the King was quoted warning of an emerging “Muslim Brotherhood Crescent” in the region.
The spokesman says the King warned about the emerging Muslim Brotherhood “Croissant”, not Crescent. “These nefarious media practices are unhelpful. The King was warning against consumption of the Ikhwani Croissant. In fact, it is high in fat, and the King recommends Turkish pastries as a healthy alternative,” he said.
The King had previously warned of a “Shiite Crescent” in the region, headquartered in Tehran.
“That time he really meant Crescent. One of those bright white Shiite Khomeini moony types,” the spokesman concluded.
VATICAN CITY - Monitors for the Papal election have cited severe restrictions imposed by authorities in their attempt to ensure free, fair elections to elect a successor to Benedict XVI. A snap poll was called in February when the aging Pontiff surprisingly resigned, the first Pope to do so in 600 years.
A UN monitor has cited “severe restrictions at conclave, we’re effectively locked out of the Sistine Chapel and incapable of keeping an eye on the ballot.” The source also expressed “extreme disappointment” that women have still been barred from voting. “We urge the International community to look into this,” he said.
The Vatican has not been available for comment.
WASHINGTON, DC. - U.S. President Barack Obama today announced the opening of a living museum with fully integrated theme park at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility in Cuba.
The facility, which currently detains 167 inmates, the majority of whom have not been charged, was opened in the aftermath of the terror attacks on the United States by Al Qaeda on September 11, 2001.
The President, who had previously vowed to close the camp, now aims to use GITMO, as it is known, to educate the visiting public with interactive tours and dynamic exhibitions.
White House spokesman Jay Carney, speaking to reporters, said:
“President Obama feels this is the ideal opportunity to show the American people - and the world - what sort of heinous crimes the Bush Administration and the Republicans committed in not only eroding America’s image in the eyes of the world but also taking away basic rights that we hold dear as Americans, like habeas corpus and other civil liberties. By providing live contact with inmates and a chance to tour the cells, we feel the GITMO Museum and Theme Park will be a game changer.”
Preliminary plans suggest tours will begin in July and will depart daily from Walt Disney’s Magic Kingdom in Florida, the U.S. State located closest to the island, on unmanned drones. Leaked documents indicate visitors purchasing the ‘Gold Premium Pass’ will get the chance to personally experience administering “The Waterboard”, a new and improved version of an already existing feature of the camp, to an inmate of their choice, before walking away with custom-fit orange jumpsuits as souvenirs.
Source - Agencies.
DAMASCUS - Syrian activists have warned President Bashar Al-Assad he risks a humiliatingly low KLOUT score unless he gives up power immediately. The Dictator, responsible for numerous massacres since the uprising against his rule began in 2011, has seen his popularity on the social media influence aggregator plummet to a record low of 32. His score had previously peaked at 84 just eighteen months ago. The activists have taken to Twitter using the hashtag #basharkloutloser to highlight the negative effect his policies have had on his score.
A spokesperson for KLOUT told mainstreamisms: “I think this is a clear sign of Assad losing popularity not only at home but abroad too. It’s encouraging what these activists are doing, to speak truth to power and show him evidence that all that killing can only be bad for you in the long run. Unless he engages more fruitfully with social media to give us his side of the story, it won’t be long until he loses all his KLOUT PERKS, including McDonald’s New Onion Cheddar and VIP access to Wet Republic next time he’s in Vegas. On the plus side, our algorithms show that he is influential on topics such as Civil War and LMFAO.”
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Single worldwide computer network that interconnects other computer networks. At times our nations need to restrict availability of leaked government cables for the public interest and block morally reprehensible political or pornographic material keep our children safe. Unrelated to the efforts of rogue nations - who crack down on the internet and wage war on freedom.
NEW YORK CITY - Was this photograph (above) of Kaiser Wilhelm II, pictured at wargames just prior to the outbreak of World War One in 1914, taken by a time traveller?
Fox News seems to think so. The network is reporting a possible breakthrough in the longstanding debate over time travel.
Fox analyst Jake Jones is convinced the photograph bears the signature of Instagram filters. “It’s quite clear when you look at the Kaiser and his advisors, that the ‘Willow’ filter was used. There are also indications on the periphery of a blurred edge, a hallmark of the technology. After many hours of study, the team also believes the photograph was taken on an iPhone 5.”
Instagram was unavailable for comment.