English newspapers The Daily Mail, The Telegraph and a host of football experts, including former Hull boss Phil Brown were surprisingly vindicated today when a group of rebels from the Front for the Liberation of the Enclave of Cabinda (Flec) finally arrived at Soccer City, Johannesburg, armed with three AK-47 guns and two hand-grenades. The group, comprising seven Flec fighters, had set out on the more than two-thousand mile journey in January 2010, and after two and a half years, have finally reached their target, but the attack has now been called off.
The newspapers and English coaches were adamant that the machine-gun attack on the Togolese football team at the Africa Cup of Nations in Angola in January 2010, which killed two and injured nine, was a harbinger for worse to come at the FIFA World Cup which was due to be held in fellow Southern African country South Africa five months later. Their fears of further terrorist attacks in Africa, and calls for the World Cup to be moved somewhere respectable, like Europe, were questioned at the time. Today history proves them right. Were it not for logistical and capability problems, Flec fighters might’ve caused horror on an unimaginable scale, not seen since 9/11, Madrid or 7/7.
Speaking exclusively to Mainstreamisms, Flec leader Nzita Tiago said: “We really only want autonomy and control over the oil-wealth in our little strip of Angola. With the Africa Cup of Nations attack we wanted to draw attention to our cause and to show that fool, president José Eduardo dos Santos, that we mean business. And to Adebayor and the Togo players, sorry; it was nothing personal.”
He continued: “But after the English newspapers suggested the World Cup in Africa was now a big security threat, we thought…’well why not?’…and decided to deploy one Toyota pickup truck immediately for Johannesburg to make it for a surprise attack on the World Cup final. Unfortunately the boys were short on supplies, and had to stop a few times along the way, looting, killing, you know, the usual in Africa. There were also fewer and fewer places to loot, fewer and fewer women to rape, because most of the journey was through harsh desert in Angola, Namibia, Botswana and then finally South Africa.”
After a painful, arduous journey the rebels in the pickup truck arrived in South Africa two years after the proposed attack. They then telephoned Tiago, who called the attack off.
“I had actually forgotten about the deployment, such is the workload of a revolutionary, even though I now have an iPhone and Siri helps me with my schedule. She struggles with my Congolese-Portuguese-Angolan pidgin English though. Nevertheless, I told the boys to raid a few black townships, get some women and supplies, and head back; the British press unfortunately lost interest in us already. Besides, we need to focus on getting our rights, freedom in our land, and our hands on this damn oil-wealth. As they say in football, gotta keep your eye on the ball eh?”
South African authorities are said to be monitoring the movements of the seven men, who were last seen at a local Soweto shebeen (pub) cheering for English football team Chelsea in their Champions League victory over Germany’s Bayern Munich.